Tuesday, October 18, 2016

My life for now.

Hello there human who is awkwardly reading this. So yeah, like usual I have forgotten I have a blog. I was young and stupid back then to create this blog just to follow everyone else's trends. But I'm not gonna delete it, years from now, in the future, I will have something to laugh and reminisce about. It's be funny actually, well if only I make it to the future. Who knows i'd probably die tomorrow. hahaha. So....a lot has been going on with my life now. Good and bad but it sums up to become the me now. I haven't been updating here lately, well yeah I had been very busy. I actually have tons of shit to do and study cause Sem 1 is around the corner but i'll take an hour off and update about my life now. I just feel like sharing something hahaha. After I got my SPM result which is 6As2Bs1C. I was devastated but its okay. I know I made lots of silly mistake and I studied physics and chemistry last minute. That was my fault. But now I'm not a science student anymore. I'm an account student and yes I love account. Got A+ for it. Oh and one of the most sad paper for me is Addmaths. I worked so damn hard for it and neglected the rest of my subject bah. But my effort had gone to waste. Was only managed to get a solid B for it. It hurt so much but I kept it to myself,cause I cant complaint about it to anyone. I know all I get is a scolding from them telling me it was my fault for not working hard enough. I worked so damn hard bah,yes I'm no genius. I'm honestly very stupid and blur. I worked twice harder on my addmaths,,I thought I could actually achieve an A- for it...but I guess my best wasn't good enough. So I vowed to myself, once I get another chance to take maths again...i'll work 10 times harder. I'm in matrik Labuan now with accountancy as my course. But ive lost all my motivation when I came here due to a heartbreak that happened recently. A guy whom I loved with every bits of my heart broke it and left shattered and alone to pick up the broken pieces. He used to be my everything, he was actually my bestfriend. from the start we were there for each other, when he got his heart broken, I never left his side no matter how busy I was. I was always there from the start, I have always had a crush on him even he was so big and fat but I kept my feelings as I don't wanna ruin the friendship we had. he got his heartbroken because a girl rejected him. But I was there...always have been.advicing him...accompanying him. till one day...we suddenly confess to each other that we liked each other and became a couple on the 3rd of March 2015. I cherished that moment very much. He was the most perfect person for me. He was so perfect and accepted me for the person I am. He saw through all my flaws and loved it all,always convincing me that I was always beautiful for him no matter what. He was so perfect,treating me like a princess, giving me everything....his love and attention. I was so in love with him, we went through SPM together... before an exam he would hug me and tell me to be calm even he wasn't calmed himself. we supported each other. We studied together,we were always together. He always pamper me. How could I not fall deeper for a guy like that. I was his first girlfriend. I gave him all the experience of having a person to love and care about. No matter how much we fought,he would never give up on me. Never once he let a day passed without saying I love you even though he was mad. I couldn't see any other guy but him. He was the only that actually mattered. He was the only guy I wanted to spend my future with. we made a promise to always stick to each other's side even if we were gonna be separated by distance when we further our studies. And guess what ? He broke all those promises, after going to his study place in Sarawak...he left me. All alone,,,shattered. I cried my eyes off,i couldn't focus on my studies. my results were really bad here at first. I was mentally drained....I hated him. I hated myself how I had trusted him with his fake words. All I was left with was empty promises. When I lost him,i remember feeling my throat turn to sandpaper. The red veins that ran vibrant through my body suddenly turned cold. I lay still in my dorm room bed, hearing my heartbeat speed up as if I had just ran a marathon. It felt like the cells in my body suddenly froze, my brain couldn't catch up with my heart. When I lost him, I couldn't even process it because he was all I knew. And my body didn't know how to live in a place that wasn't connected to him anymore. It felt like a dream of someone else I knew. except I couldn't press pause and I couldn't wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over. like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died. And I felt everything. It didn't just come in waves, it came in one single tidal wave. And I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I didn't even want to come up for air. I just wanted to sink deeper and deeper. It hurt like hell, it felt like I have lost a portion of me. Maybe some will think its stupid for a teenage girl to feel all those emotion. But I felt everything when I was with him,happy sad excited,mad,jealous...I could list it all but cant actually describe what I felt. When I lost him...I didn't just lost a lover, I lost a bestfriend, an advisor, my happiness, my smile, my everything. We were friends for years and actually became official for a year and 4 months. If I had to be truthfully honest, he was the reason why I didn't ace at first when I came here. Everyone here actually thinks I'm weak and stupid. I didn't have the motivation to study. U know,i felt so insecure, so ugly, worthless and useless. Time has always been an enemy, as something to push back. But I have found that time was my only friend during the loss of him. After a while, it made me want to swim back instead of sink. it made me actually want to live my life again, instead of being a person walking around with ghosts in her head. People say time heal all wounds but I kinda disagree with that statement. Time wont ever heal a wound to make you forget that it was there or to forget that it happened. Time leaves scars to remind you of what you faced and fought through it. It will remind you of the excruciating pain, but also grimaced through it and then felt relief when the cast came off. Cant say that I am fully healed that I could take the cast off now, I'm still in the process of healing. But after the heartbreak,it actually taught me something. ive been so lost,wandering far away from God. But now I'm back. and I wont wander off anymore. Actually it was God who was actually there too to accompany me and held my hand to face everything. I'm so glad that the toxic relationship was over. I do had sudden thoughts of him sometimes but very rarely. its slowly disappearing and sooner or later, I wont feel anything anymore. I forgive him, I was the stupid one to believe in the promise made by a BOY.Yup, a boy. he was still a little boy after all. what did I expect ? I should've find my self a MAN. But not now, I gotta figure my self out too. I gotta achieve what I have always wanted to achieve. I want to be independent and successful and I don't need a man to do it for me. I'm a strong and independent person and I can face life using my own strength. a lot has happened to me, ive learned a lot too. I'm actually stonger now. I'm okay,it doesn't hurt that much anymore. slowly and surely I will feel nothing at all in  no time. I'm building an empire of my own. I'm gonna be the very best version of myself. Okay, that's that. Due to my SPM result (eventhough it wasn't much) I managed to appeal to become a primary school teacher. an English teacher to be exact but guess what I failed the interview. I got UPU too,an elementary school teacher. in UPSI...but I wasn't ready to be that far from my family. In the I decided to be here in Matrik. So far, I'm adapting myself well in this new surrounding. I'm okay. Its all fine,found myself a great friend. She is such a great friend and I care about her so much. She has a lot of family problems...but I promise I will always be there for her every step of the way through thick and thin. I made a lot of friends as well. Now that I feel okay again...I can focus more on my exam. I'm working twice hard and I'm losing a fck load of sleep but that's okay. Just this one month left to endure the pain...and sem 1 will all be over. I will surely get the results I have aimed for and surely I wont give up. I will prove those people wrong for doubting me. I had bad results in the beginning because I just got my heart broken and I couldn't focus or bring myself to study. But now...its never too late to try again. I will do my best. and I wont give up. I will rise back up again. oh and I hv this huge crush on this guy. hahaha he is very handsome and cute. we flirt with each other since I came here hahahahaha. little did he know, I can get butterflies just by him smiling and say "hi dym" ahhahahaaha. its driving me nuts. but I actually just love it this way. more than friends less than a couple. I dnt want any attachment now and he doesn't want it too. so that's tht. I have another crush on a guy,i always caught him looking. but that was probably because I stared at him first. HAHA. but yeah,crushes....it'll all end soon. matrik will end next year. oh and I applied for SPA. I went to the interview and chose radiologist. now I'm just waiting for the result. dpt ka x...it was still a great experience. So hmm...I guess that's all from me now. okay I actually wasted more than an hour to finish typing it hahahahahah. but its ok. time to shower and study. guess what I only got 2 hrs of sleep last night all because of tht coffee I drank. never drinking it again after this. so yeah...goodbye and wish me all the best for the upcoming exam. byeee hehehe